Check the box “Agree to Terms”

I’m pretty sure someone tampered with my paperwork at the hospital.

Now, given, I’m not normally one to read over EVERY SINGLE WORD on a contract…

I know, I’m irresponsible.  That’s probably how I got into this whole mess in the first place.  I should have read the fine print.

But, really now- who reads EVERY word?  You skim the highlights, looking for blaring red warning lights, and then scribble your signature.  Its the way its been done for thousands of years.

Those hospital folk- they knew what they were doing.  They’re crafty.  After 100 hours of labor, no drugs, a failed epidural, and 2 nights of dealing with a newborn who had already decided that sleeping with mom was decisively better than sleeping in a bassinet, they handed me my discharge papers:

Them: “And here’s your info on how NOT to kill your infant, who to call when you’ve reached that point, signs to look for, blah, blah, blah- sign here to show you’ve received these and had it explained to you.

Okie doke.

Them: “Here’s info on breastfeeding because you’re less of a woman if you can’t properly breastfeed your baby for the full first year.  Sign here showing you received these.”

(me scribbling)

Them: “The lactation nurse will be in before you leave to fondle you roughly and warn you of the mental retardation that can occur if your baby isn’t able to feed properly.  Husband, you might want to be nearby to hold your wife after she’s been violated.  Did you sign?”

(Nodding my head)

Them: “The lactation nurse should have more papers for you regarding proper nutrition, but here’s a pamphlet on all the foods you SHOULD eat to help you produce milk and keep up your strength, but they’re really just for looks because you won’t be able to take a bite of food or sleep for about the first 3-9 months.  Sign here, please.”

(uh huh)

Them: “Ok, good.  And the rest of these are just…*mumble, mumble, mumble*…  Sign right there, and check the box ‘agree to terms’…”

I check box.

Them: “Good.  I’ll just tuck these away in your bag before you see what you’ve signed on for.  Good luck- I mean, congratulations!”

I didn’t realize that -not only had I re-upped for 18 years of service- but I had also unwittingly initialed boxes and signed my signature agreeing to the following:

Hospital Discharge

__I understand that my life, loves, wants, needs, desires, and basic necessities now mean nothing.

__I understand that sleep is no longer an option.  Ever.

__I understand that even with only 1 hour of good sleep the night before, I must attend to all my normal activities.

__I understand that the “one hour of good sleep” is relative and will probably still include a sleeping infant in my arms, sometimes while sitting up straight in a chair.

__I understand that “me” time is now “we” time and anything I actually try to do for me can only occur during naptimes… if there are any.

__I understand that when I complain about lack of “me” time to grand-motherly types, I will be hit with comments of “Enjoy it while it lasts”, regardless of whether or not they see the frantic, wild look in my eyes.

__I understand I’m supposed to think the things my baby does that annoy me to no end, are cute.

__I understand that I’m supposed to stare at my napping baby with awe and wonder at the life my spouse and I created… instead of clicking my heels together in joy of not having to hold him.

__I understand I will have to hold my baby non-stop, thereby perfecting everything one handed.

__I understand that the words “baby proof” are dependent upon the baby itself.

__I understand that after I bring home my little darling, I will encounter more people than ever that had “perfect” babies- ones that slept through the night, never cried, etc.__I understand that these individuals are still suffering from “mom-nesia”, and have possibly blocked out all the bad.__I understand that the best course of action is to just nod my head.

__I understand that -under no circumstance- am I allowed to return the baby.

I, ____________, do hereby declare that I am now a mom, with all the non-rights and responsibilities that title holds.  By initialing and signing my name, I agree that I will do my best to be Mary-Freaking-Poppins/Donna Reed/ June Cleaver, always calm and collect, even in the face of crying jags, temper tantrums, diaper explosions, teething, etc.

To be anything less than perfect will be cause for me to stand before the Mommy Council and I might have to give back my pearls, but never my children.

[  ] I agree to terms.

X_______________

42 thoughts on “Check the box “Agree to Terms””

  1. I hate that contract, I always remind myself not to sign it….BUT they keep drugging me up every time right before. LAME. And the me time being we time…LOL.

  2. I thought I won the superbowl for labor. 100 hours, wow! I was only 72, without a drink, just a large q-tip with sour lemon stuff. Love the post. Definitely funny and real. Visiting from SITS. Have a great SITS day.

  3. Oh that’s GLORIOUS. I KNEW there was a reason mine refused to sleep. I bed THEY signed little scribbly contracts of their own when the nurses had them down in the nursery, all about promising to bite while nursing and never ever sleep through the night.

  4. I totally understand! I just can’t figure out WHY I did it 4 times!! My 7 yo daughter asked me just last week “does having a baby hurt?” I tell her that “yes, it does, but it’s all worth it, I promise, why do you think I had 4 of you?” Instead,I should have said “Honey, birth isn’t what you should worry about!!!! It’s the REST of their life that is painful!!” LOL

  5. This is quite possibly one of the funniest peices of non-fiction I’ve ever read.
    Oh, and BTW, I signed it 4 times, so I guess that makes ME the idiot! Happy SITS day~

  6. The con is deeper than you think. Even if you don’t sign the contract they still send a guy to break your knees if you renege … and that’s why I have no kids.

    Happy SITS day.

  7. Ha! These are hilarious and so true. The baby-proofing one is classic – I have accepted that my home will never be baby-proofed…babies will find a way to get into trouble no matter what I do! I did all the obvious and recommended stuff (outlet covers, etc etc), but I keep having to revise my “baby proofing” as he finds new ways to crawl behind the TV, eat clumps of dog hair I could have sworn I vacuumed up, etc…

    1. I know! My oldest figured out how to climb the baby gates and open the cupboard latches at 1 1/2. My middle son figured out that baby gates were optional at around the same time. And the Mini Master? He hangs on the gates til they come down, figured out the latches, and he even pulled one of the outlet covers off once.

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