A Moment of Silence for Sanity Lost

I’d like to take a moment of silence to honor a dear friend I lost today- my sanity.

I’m pretty sure I lost it between the cereal and candy aisles, but after much fruitless searching, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t anywhere to be found.

And, before you point it out, I am fully aware that asking for a moment of silence here at Boystown is, well, a laugh, but I’m a big fan of lost causes.

Anyways, while there’s quite the possibility that it was stolen from me, my money is on the assumption that it fled in mortal dread the moment the shrieking began, so I probably won’t see it again.  I’ve put together a few search parties and I’ve looked into advertising on milk cartons and billboards, but I’m pretty sure its no use.  My sanity is long gone and will most likely never return.  That doesn’t mean I’ll stop looking for it, but it just means that the longer its gone, the more I’ll cease to miss it as much.

Today will forever be burned into my mind, but I guess that’s the way it is for anyone who’s lost something so precious.  What started out as a simple trip to the store ended in turmoil, chaos, loss, and sadness.  The saying is true- you really never do fully appreciate something til its gone.  I should have held onto it tighter, but you just never stop to think that the combined strength of an 11 year old, 5 year old, and a 1 year old could rip something so seemingly strong from its owner.

And, once torn away, that was it.  It was gone.  Maybe it had wanted to leave, I mean, it was able to hang on through Camo’s TODDLER years.  TODDLER years.  Camo.  That’s not even willpower- that’s an act of God.

All I can figure is that my sanity stared into its cold, bleak, dark future that lied ahead- what, with Nicholas now at the walking/talking/ maiming/torturing stage and Camo hitting his pre-teens- and it simply… let go.

And I get that.  If you don’t see hope, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Poor sanity.  It must have been so scared.

So, in this moment, I will silently bid my old friend farewell.  Apparently, the question of how many kids it takes to destroy a lightbulb has been answered.

The answer is 3. ESPECIALLY if they’re boys.

My “Gimme” List for Mother’s Day

So, as I mentioned before,after reading Denise Bertacchi‘s Mother’s Day list, it got me thinking about what I would want for Mother’s Day.  As I had said, some of her items listed had me  nodding my head in approval, and, well, some left me feeling like a poor, broke, unimaginative girl who would DARE to grace her mama’s table with Stater Bros. bouquets.

The thing is, though, after reading through her ENTIRE list, I actually felt better about myself.  In a world where you’re a lesser person for giving dear ol’ mum a mixed CD of ‘Songs to Tear Her Hair Out To’, I’m easy.  Simple.  Pie.  I, my friends, I’ve decided, am Play-doh: squishy, moldable, and completely without the need of an instruction manual.

So, here’s my “want” list for Mom’s Day.  Look through it.  Ponder it.  Check to see if any of these would work for YOUR mom or wife.  Maybe even keep this list around for future Mom’s Days or birthdays- it never hurts to be prepared.

  • Flowers.  As I said before, no woman REALLY cares where you got them from.  Find a nice bouquet, get a nice vase, and voila!  The only ‘no-no’: don’t just pick a bouquet from the backyard.  You can do that anytime- you SHOULD be doing that anytime.  Don’t empty your bank account, but don’t be cheap, either.  Picking a bouquet says “spur of the moment”; buying a bouquet says “I put thought into this gift- I didn’t forget and then have to pick wildflowers because there was nothing left in the stores.”
  • Peace and Quiet.  One might think they are one and the same- that person would be mistaken.  Peace is when you can hear the kids but they aren’t tearing each other apart in a battle to the death over who plays what game first.  Quiet is when you have moments where you can’t hear them AT ALL and you have a moment to think.  I want both.  Quiet without peace means that ONE of the boys won in that battle to the death and I’ll have a mess to clean up later and questions from the cops that I won’t be able to answer.

(I saw this and now I want me own.)

  • To change my name to ”  ” for one day.  JUST quotation marks.  I got this idea from a comedian I love named Dan Cummins.  He joked that he had legally put quotation marks around his kids’ names so that they couldn’t introduce themselves without making air quote gestures.  He said he had done it to “build character”.  While I don’t know if this is ACTUALLY true or just a shtick for his routine, I like the idea of making my name JUST air quotes for a day.  Imagine your kids yelling for you in air quotes?!  Tell me you wouldn’t laugh.
  • Chocolate.  If this is given in combination with another gift, you can ALMOST get away with anything.  I LOVE me some chocolate.  Do I care if its bar, bagged, or boxed?  Yeeeeeaaaaah…no.  Put a pretty bow on it and let’s call it a day.  In the end, the packaging is like lingerie- it entices the eyes, but it’ll be off soon enough.

  • A weekend IN chocolate.  I want to spend a few days at Chocolate central: The Spa at Hotel Hershey.  Ok, so its not cheap, but -like I said- this is my WISHlist.  Tell me what woman -who LOVES chocolate- wouldn’t want to go to a place where chocolate is king and pampering is queen.  You can’t think of any, can you?  I didn’t think so.  You get to relax, eat chocolate, all while IN chocolate: body wraps, baths, rubs… ahhh… bliss.  Chocolate makes me happy- talk about being happy from the inside OUT.
  • Wine.  Sneak a peak at what I already have on hand and you’ll have an idea of what I would like.  Chances are, WITH ME, you’ll see bottles of different price brackets; reds and whites; sweet and dry wines…  So, if you were to wander down the wine aisle of Trader Joe’s and something catches your eye, chances are, it’d make me happy.  Heck, if it was Winco, I’d be happy.  Look at your own lady’s wine rack- she doesn’t have one?  Probably steer clear of wine.
  • An on call sitter for an hour a night.  Just an hour.  I can get a lot done in an hour- writing, cleaning, surfing the web, etc.  But, also, it’d be nice to put to use that last gift I might have received and its not always easy to drink a glass of wine around the Mini Master.
  • Gift card.  Denise frowned upon -what I think- is one of life’s most valuable gifts you can give- the gift to choose.  Take your pick from wherever- I can make use of a gift card from Pep Boys, for Heaven’s sake.  The key is to spend it all in one place (easy, since its a gift card TO one place) and all on one person- you.  Or, me, in this case.
  • A spider monkey.  What?  They’re cute


  • Kitchen stuff.  In my case, more specifically, a turkey roaster or an immersion blender… or both.  Your mom doesn’t cook?  Well, see ABOVE suggestion- well, the one above THAT one.  Pretty sure a spider monkey isn’t for everyone, but a gift card to a restaurant could be a good pick.
  • 3 more hours in the day.  Ok, so maybe this isn’t QUITE feasible, but I’m keeping it on the list until the day it IS.  Some days I feel like the worst mom ever because I’ve done everything on my list EXCEPT spend time with the Natural Disasters.  3 hours=3 boys.  I’d have no excuse.
  • Coupons for chores.  I’m a TAD OCD.  After living in and apartment that was once overrun with cockroaches, I NEED my home clean at all times.  When people call me and ask what I’m doing, the usual response for me is “I’m cleaning”.  I’m sure they think its an automatic response- like when someone asks,”How’ve you been?” and you respond with “Tired”, but its no less true.  I’m ALWAYS cleaning.  So, give me a coupon that says you’ll help.  Let me know I can put you to work.  I might have to train you to clean MY way first (OCD, remember?), but I always welcome coupons like that.

  • Bacon PJs.  I’m trying to understand why you’re making that face.  Oh- you thought I meant PJs MADE FROM bacon?  Well, those would be cool, too, but I’d just like some nice flannel PJs with pictures of my favorite food group.  Yes.  Its a food group.  Because I said so.
  • A car that runs on bubbles.  Really now- have you SEEN gas prices?  I guess I could say water, but bubbles would be lots more entertaining.  You can’t have road rage if someone cuts you off in a car that spews bubbles.  I would think it’d be impossible.  Sure- they cut you off- but look at the bubbles!  It’d be entertaining


Happy Warden’s Day

Oops- I mean Happy MOTHER’S Day.  Oh well.  In this house its PRACTICALLY the same thing lately.

I guess its not QUITE Mother’s day yet- that’s just me.  I like to jump the gun.

Ok, not really.  Its just that I saw this list (I’m about to pick apart) on another site and I couldn’t help writing a response.  It didn’t ASK for a response, but that’s ALSO just me- I comment when its not needed.  Its very possible I need a life, but oh well.  This is a valid post.

I saw a list on Kirkwood Patch and in it, the author – Denise Bertacchi– wrote that -while homemade gifts are great when you’re a 2 year old (my wording), when you get older (like me) its better to think outside your average box ‘o’ chocolates- or bag, if you’re a “cheapskate”.  You’re more than welcome to head to that site to see her reasoning for each of the items on the list- some are really good reasons- seriously- I nodded my head in agreement for a few.  Then there were some that, well, I’m going to have to write my own list here in a few for what I would really like for Mother’s Day- probably tomorrow’s post.  Or maybe I’ll ACTUALLY post that one ON Mother’s Day.  I think some of my “wants” are probably a “no- no” according to her, but that’s ok.  And, sorry for making you head to that site to see her list- I would repost her entire list, but then you’d NEVER get through this entry.

So, hang with me while I pick it apart- not because she’s wrong (some I agree with)- but purely for entertainment value.  Come on- you like to be entertained and you know it.

Grocery store flowers.”  Every day I’m BOMBARDED by dandelions picked while walking from the car to the front door.  Not just by the Natural Disasters- by my dear, sweet hubby, as well.  While I treasure EVER single one (because it shows that they saw them and thought of me), flowers from ANY other source are welcome.  Would I prefer 1-800-Florist to deliver a bouquet of gorgeous non-dandelions to my front door?  Yes!  Would I enjoy the Top Ramen we’d probably have to eat all the next month to pay for that bouquet?  Prolly not.  Fun Fact:  Dandelions picked from a walk way last longer in a small vase of water than a bouquet ordered from EVERY site out there for buying flowers.  Flowers purchased at the nearest Shop and Go?  STILL last longer.  Its like they’re WILLING themselves to live so they can outlast their expensive counterparts.

Bag of chocolate.”  Would I love a giant box of chocolates?  Um, yes.  Would I love a giant box of EXPENSIVE chocolates?  OF COURSE!  Would I love to know that my husband had to pre-sell a kidney to buy said chocolates?  Or that my -one day- grown children had to sell platelets to get me some Godiva?  Pass me the Dove.  And, really now- are you going to be disappointed if your kids were tight on money but they went out of their way to get you SOMETHING?  Be careful how you answer- you might screw yourself out of that bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs come Easter time.

Cheap wine.”  I LOVE wine.  I cook with it; I drink it; I drink it WHILE I cook with it.  I’ve had *ahem* wine connoisseur friends bring me fancy schmancy expensive wine, but you know what?  Sometimes its the CHEAP wine that tastes best.  Maybe its because you know you didn’t have to take out a mortgage on your house to buy a bottle, but I think that its because -sometimes- cheap isn’t ALL that bad.  My parents tout that their ‘2 buck chuck’ purchased at the $.99 store (just wait- that’s last on this list) is the best they’ve had.  Don’t underestimate bargain wines.  Sure, you could do something AMAZING like what she said (a trip through wine country for dear old mom), but the money spent to fund that trip could just as easily fund mom’s wine cabinet.  One lasts the weekend, the other, well, it depends on the cabinet.

Discount jewelry.”  Ok, I agree with this one.  PLEASE no macaroni necklaces, future grown children.  Not unless those pasta pieces are covered in 24K love.

Gift cards.”  Is this woman CRAZY???  Gift cards are AWESOME!  They’re like “Build Your Own Gift Adventures!  Feeling sexy AND hungry?  Go to Target and get some cute undies and beef jerky… albeit, not the most cohesive combo, it could be TONS of fun to watch the face of the cashier at the check out.  The fact is, we spend most of our money on our kids- who in their RIGHT mind is going to turn up their noses at a chance to go a little crazy shopping for themselves?

Small appliances.”  Ok, maybe its just me since I’m a cooking fanatic, but I LIKE getting small appliances.  As I’ve said before- nothing says “I love you” QUITE like Black and Decker.  Ok, don’t say it.  I know- I’ve got issues.

Exercise equipment.”  Ok.  I get this one.  Unless your mom sleeps, eats, and breathes working out, don’t give her a tangible gift that says,”You’re looking a little pudgy.”  She will take it the wrong way, and the only exercise that will occur will be you.  Running for the door.

DIY facials.”  Ok.  I see her point.  Its a sweet gesture, but it MIGHT be nicer to spring for something more elaborate- like an ACTUAL facial.

Coupons for chores.”  Denise said why offer coupons when you could just offer up your services THAT day.  Good point, HOWEVER, that’s making the assumption that mom will be home on Mother’s Day.  I say, offer up your services, but giving her a card with coupons in it showing dates you WILL be coming by -instead of waiting for her to redeem them (which we all know won’t happen because it brings to mind days past when you were a little kid and she had to ask you to clean your room).  Post the dates so you both have something to look forward to.  Maybe even go a little further by bringing her a little something every time you head over.  In the end, I hate cleaning.  If you give me coupons with the promise of a cleaner future, I’m game.

A day out with the family.”  Would I like to get out without the family?  Of course.  Is that possible?  Usually- no.  If I was to wait to get out without the family, I’d never get out.  So, fine- let’s DO a family day… I’ll be sure to bring the duct tape in case things get crazy.

Anything from the Dollar Store.”  Has she ever BEEN to the $.99 Store???  That place ROCKS!  You can get Lunchables, 2 for a buck!  Now, I get it- mom doesn’t want 2 Lunchables, but don’t knock that place til you’ve scanned the aisles.  As I pointed out before, they have some good 2 Buck Chuck, apparently, and -if all else fails- you can find a card that’s JUST as sappy as any Hallmark store- without spending $5.

Be on the lookout for MY “Gimme” list.  I’ll post it Mother’s Day- or maybe before, for those of you too lazy to think of what to get mom and need ideas.