Category Archives: Muffintops & Diet Shakes

Dear Fat

Dear Fat,

I’m sure, by now, you understand that I meant it when I said we were done.  I know you’re probably feeling a little out of sorts because we’ve been so close for so long.  I can truly say that I’ve never known anyone to stick as close to me as you’ve been, but while I’ve seen our friendship grow, I’ve also noticed other things.

Remember that time in Junior High- with the ice cream cup?  That was when we first became really well acquainted.  You were so sweet.  Form then on, what started off as a simple sundae turned into daily lunches.

And High School!  Oh how our friendship grew.  I started wondering if you were really bad for me then because my pants size grew, too, but every time I was ready and determined to call it quits, you reminded me of why I fell for you.  You’ve always had that kind of hold on me.  Even when- and I know you’ll be jealous hearing this, but I’ve got to say it- I cheated on you with Volleyball, Track, and a pretty healthy lifestyle, I still couldn’t let you go completely.  I think you knew deep down, though, because you seemed to hold on tighter to me, too.

We could’ve been happy together, you and me.

And then you had to go and ruin it by bringing ’round your friends and family.

The first sign our friendship was nearing its end was when I got pregnant with Camo.  I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea to introduce your pregnant, hormonal companion to all the other lipids in your life, but that was the first moment I caught a glimpse of the real you.  Pants that used to fit nicely over my hips now struggled to make it past my knees; my cheeks took on a chipmunk-ish appearance; and my once smooth thighs now showed dimples.

What had I don’t that you felt the need to abuse me so?

I vowed then and there that I would distance myself from you, and -while I didn’t shut you out completely- I was content in the fact that our friendship didn’t blossom further.

It didn’t, that is, until I met your cousins lard and pork fat.  Sneaky move, bringing them in to meet me.  They seduced me with Mexican food and teased me with Paula Dean cookbooks.

Suddenly, our friendship was closer than ever.

I know, from our history, that our relationship has been on again/off again, so maybe you think this is just a phase- lots of people go through fads; maybe you think I’ll become an Atkins fanatic.

Let me assure you, this will not happen.  It CAN NOT.

Please don’t be sad.  Its not you- its me.  You’ve stuck by me through thick and thicker; I’m just feeling the need to see who I am without you.

So, this is goodbye.  Please don’t try to look for me- its no use trying to get me back.  Honestly, chances are, you might not recognize me in a couple of months anyways.

I want you to know, I still love you deeply.  You’ll probably always have a place in my heart.  I want the best for you, though, so if you find yourself feeling lonely, please don’t hesitate to make new friendships.  You won’t hurt my feelings.

In fact, I was JUST watching TV the other day and I noticed how many actresses could really use a friend like you.  TELL me that having a Hollywood bud wouldn’t just make your year.

So, that’s it.  I’ll miss you.  Have a great life- I’ll see you in the tabloids!

(Sorry- if you don’t get this pic, you need to watch Dr. Who more.)

~Amber

 

The Greatest Diet Plan EVER!

Tired of all the weight you gained during pregnancy- either your own, or your wife’s? I’ve got a GREAT diet plan. I guarantee you that if you follow this -to the letter- that you’ll be back in your pre-pregnancy pants in no time. As a precaution, I must inform you that -before starting any diet plan- you should check with your doctor first.
First, make sure your baby has colic. If you’re baby doesn’t have colic, but is just difficult (i.e.-a normal baby), this will still work, but you might have to try a little harder. If you were one of the blessed individuals who had an easy baby, whisper a prayer of thanks and stop reading here. Chances are you were also one of the ones that wore your pre-pregnancy pants out of the hospital, and therefore you have no need to read any further.
Now that you have your colic-y/ difficult baby in hand, you are permitted a brief moment in which to cry hysterically and throw a brief tantrum. Its good for the soul, but its also good for getting your heart rate up. There now- you just lost a few warm up calories. I bet you’re feeling skinny already!
The next step in this incredible diet is to listen to your baby cry hysterically until you finally give in and walk him/her around the block a couple of times. Since most colic-y babies have their witching hour around the same time every day for longer than a half an hour, this will ensure that you not only get the doctor recommended half hour of exercise, but you’ll probably rack up some bonus hours as well. “But his crying will cause the neighbors to think that I’m torturing him!”, you might say. All the better, I say! You’ll be forced to walk faster (since the cracks in the sidewalk will help to tame his demons), thereby increasing your heart rate and metabolism. Presto! Quicker fat loss!
After you’ve walked around the block until the soles of your shoes have worn off, you’ll probably be hungry, which brings me to my next secret of dieting success- little food. I don’t mean eating small objects. I mean, eating small amounts. Let’s face it, if you’re experiencing the horror that is a colic-y baby, you epitomize the definition of “fast food”. Anything that can be held in one hand and eaten quickly is your meal of choice: sandwiches, corn/hot dogs, small hamburgers, Snickers candy bars, etc. “But none of that is very healthy!”, you might complain. Well, #1, neither is skipping meals altogether, but also, you’re only eating what can fit into one hand, and isn’t portion control what doctors everywhere stress when speaking to their patients? And, let’s not forget- you’re burning off all those unwanted calories (see last step described).
If you’re either unable to walk around the block for some reason; it has no positive affect on your baby’s cries; or you’re just looking to increase your workout benefits, you also have the alternative option of what I like to call “Rocking Sit ups”. In this twist on an oldie but goodie, you sit on the edge of the bed and rock your body back and forth while holding your baby. If you’d like, you can combine a couple of the steps- maybe try this while crying? Screaming burns calories, as well, but I wouldn’t recommend adding that to the routine unless your baby is out of ear shot, as it has a tendency to cause your tiny dictator to increase his own volume. This exercise also has a fun twist as you can change it up once your kiddo is older: when you’re past the point of frustration and starting to lose it, find the nearest corner and rock back and forth.
If, however, you’ve reached a point where you’re just too tired to walk or rock, here are two routines you can try that are more of a band-aid than a solution, but they still work. Sometimes you just need a quick fix to boost your self esteem, anyway:
Once your baby has you in tears from exhaustion and frustration, take a quick peek in the bathroom mirror- the tears will instantly distort your vision and take away your ability to see your body fully. Voila! Instant fat loss! Sure, at the back of your mind you know its still there, but before you allow that to drive you into deeper depression, remember that your red face with puffy eyes and snot running out of your nose is now bound to draw a LOT more attention than those few pounds you gained during your pregnancy.
Yeah, your right- that doesn’t help nearly as much as the other routines I just posted. Well, as I said, these non-exercise routines are merely band-aids- not solutions.
Now, the next routine only usually works for first time moms (since most well-seasoned moms said good bye to sleep LONG ago), but if you’ve got 2 or more kids already, you MIGHT be able to do this step, due to the pure exhaustion of the multitude of tasks on your already full plate. I’m talking about INSOMNIA. During this step, the lack of sleep causes you to LITERALLY forget who you are, what you originally wanted for yourself in the first place, as well as, the inability to care about what you look like. A word of caution in performing this routine, though: performed incorrectly, there’s a chance you could alienate everyone around you, defeating the purpose of losing weight.
Sure, you could argue that you’re trying to lose weight for HEALTH reasons, but who are you fooling?
I must also point out that BORROWING someone’s colic-y baby to lose non-pregnancy related weight gain is not only allowed, but its encouraged!  I’m sure the parents of that baby would embrace the idea of handing over their crying baby to you to further your weight loss goals, if you so chose.  You might want to do one of 2 things if you take this route, though:  either, 1- write up a contract stating that you’ll take the baby for its first 6 months of life (since continuous work on the program is the fastest way to your goal weight), or 2- find out the times that the baby is most colic-y, and write up a contract stating you’ll take him/her during those times.  This will help you tremendously, as the parents of colic-y babies quickly fall unknowingly into this weight loss routine and you don’t want to lose out.
As I said at the beginning, I urge you to check with your health care professional to be sure that this diet is the right one for you before trying it, but I’m sure that there are many of these routines you are already performing- its just a matter of combining some of them and working on them daily. After all, dedication to the diet plan is the surest way to ensure optimum results.
Let me know if any of these techniques work for you! I always love to hear feedback!