Tag Archives: brainwashing

You, too, can raise an Einstein!

I fell into the trap.
You know the one- “Act now and you, too, can teach your baby to read by hooking them on phonics by the time they’re 2!”
In my defense, I didn’t buy the program with this kiddo. No. With THIS child, I’m a little older, a little wiser, and a little poorer.
Nope, I bought the entire $5,000,000 system when Cameron was a baby. I had dreams of him lying there, in his crib, reading Nietzsche, Poe, Mark Twain…
Or, at least, Dr. Suess.
They made it seem SO easy. “All you have to do is slip a flash card under his sippy cup with his morning cereal every day and you, too, can have your baby reading ‘War and Peace’ in NO time!”
So, I gave it a go.
The problem is that they didn’t ever stress HOW MANY sippy cups I’d have to slip flash cards under. At this rate, I’d have to give him 50 sippy cups with every meal. He would HAVE to lie in bed reading- he’d be too full of liquids to slosh anywhere else. And I wasn’t going to have a life outside of that first bright yellow box- was I really ready to do that?
Luckily, Cameron was one of those kids that just happened to absorb the material through the box.
Ok, so it wasn’t that.
In any case, the ultra expensive system sat in our closet, and the “free” backpack we got with our order was the only thing put to use with our first child.
With Jacob, I knew things could be different. With him, we could finally see what heights his intelligence could take by using the reading program. With him, we could FINALLY unwrap more than just the flash cards! With him, we could show up all our friends babies with a child that could read Shakespeare at 2!
Of course, first we’d have to find it in our storage.
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t going to happen with our second child.
But we’ve got another chance at toddler brilliance with Nicholas. And don’t they say that reading comes easier with kids that know a second language? And don’t we have that sign language program around here somewhere?
Why stop at reading? Why, if we REALLY work at it, we can have a child that reads AND knows 2 languages before his first birthday…

Sing… sing a song…

Today I was running around town like a mad woman, attempting to get everything done on my insanely long list: registration for the two older boys, doctor’s appts. for their physicals, a “quick” trip to the grocery store (which, if you’ve got 3 kids- boys- and you ever try to describe something as “quick”, you’re fooling yourself), and a few other things that seemed to last forever.  Somewhere between the dairy aisle and the baked goods, though, I started to hum a little hum.  It wasn’t until I got to the canned vegetable aisle that I realized what it was and I wanted to scream.

“Neeeeew friends put a smile on my face- I’m so very happy that you’re visiting MY place…”

It happened.  I was humming the words to a Yo Gabba Gabba song with the same passion that I used to save for, well, songs that ARE NOT from a kids show.

I remember the days before I had kids and I used to make fun of shows like Barney and Sesame Street.  Songs describing the demise of the purple dinosaur creature were sung all around the school, and I sang as loudly as the rest.  Its funny to watch Cameron sing the same songs now, thinking that he’s discovered something new.

Yeah, son.  No.  I was a Barney hater LONG before you were born.  Now, though, I’ve learned a couple of things:

~Barney might be annoying, but he’s making a WHOLE lot more money than I am- and no one knows who he is in real life.  THAT is pure genius.

~Barney is only an annoying purple dinosaur creature until that moment your 2 year old lets go of your leg to sing “I love you, you love me”.  Then?  Barney is amazing- a God-like creature that monuments should be built for.

And its not just Barney.  I remember the first time I sat down and watched an entire ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ episode.  It was about sharing, and while Jacob was rockin’ out, I couldn’t help muttering,”Oh good golly- they’re brain washing children.  Sure, they’re full of good moral ideas, but lets call a spade a spade, shall we?  When you repeat ‘Sharing is good.  Sharing is fun’ 50 times in one song, its a rhythmic scrub brush for the brain.”

And, me being me, I couldn’t help wondering if I could write a song encompassing all I want my kids to hold near and dear to their hearts:

“Your bladder’s full- oh can’t you see?  Get out of bed and now go pee!  You know that you are beat, beat, beat, but mom doesn’t want to wash your sheets- Go pee!”

“Please don’t argue with your mom- don’t argue with your dad.  They both know what’s best for you and arguing is bad.”

“Eating candy night and day leads to lots of tooth decay.  Before you munch on all those sweets, just know the tooth fairy will yank out your teeth.”

Ok, so the last one needs work.  You’ve got to admit its got potential, though.

The question is, though, would I someday be walking down the snack aisle and hear someone humming one of MY songs?  One can only hope.

Until then, I’ll leave the brain washing of the masses to the professionals.  I mean, after all, if they’ve got me singing about how “its not fun to get lost” while hunting down animal crackers, I’m pretty sure they know what they’re doing.