I’m pretty sure someone tampered with my paperwork at the hospital.
Now, given, I’m not normally one to read over EVERY SINGLE WORD on a contract…
I know, I’m irresponsible. That’s probably how I got into this whole mess in the first place. I should have read the fine print.
But, really now- who reads EVERY word? You skim the highlights, looking for blaring red warning lights, and then scribble your signature. Its the way its been done for thousands of years.
Those hospital folk- they knew what they were doing. They’re crafty. After 100 hours of labor, no drugs, a failed epidural, and 2 nights of dealing with a newborn who had already decided that sleeping with mom was decisively better than sleeping in a bassinet, they handed me my discharge papers:
Them: “And here’s your info on how NOT to kill your infant, who to call when you’ve reached that point, signs to look for, blah, blah, blah- sign here to show you’ve received these and had it explained to you.
Them: “Here’s info on breastfeeding because you’re less of a woman if you can’t properly breastfeed your baby for the full first year. Sign here showing you received these.”
Them: “The lactation nurse will be in before you leave to fondle you roughly and warn you of the mental retardation that can occur if your baby isn’t able to feed properly. Husband, you might want to be nearby to hold your wife after she’s been violated. Did you sign?”
(Nodding my head)
Them: “The lactation nurse should have more papers for you regarding proper nutrition, but here’s a pamphlet on all the foods you SHOULD eat to help you produce milk and keep up your strength, but they’re really just for looks because you won’t be able to take a bite of food or sleep for about the first 3-9 months. Sign here, please.”
Them: “Ok, good. And the rest of these are just…*mumble, mumble, mumble*… Sign right there, and check the box ‘agree to terms’…”
I check box.
Them: “Good. I’ll just tuck these away in your bag before you see what you’ve signed on for. Good luck- I mean, congratulations!”
I didn’t realize that -not only had I re-upped for 18 years of service- but I had also unwittingly initialed boxes and signed my signature agreeing to the following:
__I understand that my life, loves, wants, needs, desires, and basic necessities now mean nothing.
__I understand that sleep is no longer an option. Ever.
__I understand that even with only 1 hour of good sleep the night before, I must attend to all my normal activities.
__I understand that the “one hour of good sleep” is relative and will probably still include a sleeping infant in my arms, sometimes while sitting up straight in a chair.
__I understand that “me” time is now “we” time and anything I actually try to do for me can only occur during naptimes… if there are any.
__I understand that when I complain about lack of “me” time to grand-motherly types, I will be hit with comments of “Enjoy it while it lasts”, regardless of whether or not they see the frantic, wild look in my eyes.
__I understand I’m supposed to think the things my baby does that annoy me to no end, are cute.
__I understand that I’m supposed to stare at my napping baby with awe and wonder at the life my spouse and I created… instead of clicking my heels together in joy of not having to hold him.
__I understand I will have to hold my baby non-stop, thereby perfecting everything one handed.
__I understand that the words “baby proof” are dependent upon the baby itself.
__I understand that after I bring home my little darling, I will encounter more people than ever that had “perfect” babies- ones that slept through the night, never cried, etc.__I understand that these individuals are still suffering from “mom-nesia”, and have possibly blocked out all the bad.__I understand that the best course of action is to just nod my head.
__I understand that -under no circumstance- am I allowed to return the baby.
I, ____________, do hereby declare that I am now a mom, with all the non-rights and responsibilities that title holds. By initialing and signing my name, I agree that I will do my best to be Mary-Freaking-Poppins/Donna Reed/ June Cleaver, always calm and collect, even in the face of crying jags, temper tantrums, diaper explosions, teething, etc.
To be anything less than perfect will be cause for me to stand before the Mommy Council and I might have to give back my pearls, but never my children.
[ ] I agree to terms.