Tag Archives: funny

The things we say…

You know you’re a mom when you find yourself saying things like, “You need to stop killing your brother” while on the phone with Sprint and it doesn’t hit you that maybe -just MAYBE- you might need to explain. Not once does it cross your mind that the nice person on the other end of the line has all your vital info and if you don’t follow up your statement with “on that video game”, they might easily send the proper authorities to knock down your door.
Is it just me, or has any other mom found themselves saying things they never thought would come out of their mouths now that they have kids? And I’m not just talking about hearing things your parents said to you come from a voice that sounds stunningly like your own. No, I’m talking about those times that you feel the need to say in a very stern voice in the canned vegetable aisle, “Grabbing yourself and shrieking is NOT appropriate here.” Or “Why must you poke monkeys with sticks?”… by the way, that did not occur at a zoo.
I’ve learned that its just a part of life- well, MY life, anyways- to hear myself say, “It is NEVER ok to ACTUALLY hang your baby brother up by his toes.”
Mental note- I need to watch my threats.
I’m starting to fear that its only a matter of time until CPS comes a’callin’, and would I really blame them? The last time I was on hold with my son’s school, it wasn’t until AFTER they had picked up that I realized the operator had just heard me tell my 4 year old, “No, cats do NOT like peanut butter and jelly, and kids should not eat cat food, so no sharing.” Maybe THAT’S why we quickly became qualified for the reduced lunch program…

Things I’ve learned from my 4 year old

1.  The ‘5 Second Rule’ is less of a RULE and more of a GUIDELINE- it just depends on how much you spent on the item, or in his case, how much you really wanted to eat it.
2.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… the first time.  If they continue to piss you off, throw your juice cup at them.
3.  Clothes are ALWAYS optional.  Save yourself money and time- wear your birthday suit.
4.  Sharing is nice- unless its candy or a toy you really love.  If that’s the case, give them your runner up and make it seem special.
5.  Man CAN live on chocolate milk and bananas alone.
6.  Toilets are optional- God gave us the ‘great outdoors’ for a reason.
7.  Be your own person.  Don’t do something just because that’s the norm.  Just because most individuals put their socks on and THEN their shoes, it doesn’t mean YOU have to.
8.  If you jump off the couch and fail to actually fly, try, try, try again.
9.  Sometimes you don’t need to “just try it” to know you won’t like it.
10. You can TOO have multiple best friends, and its even better if they’re imaginary because then you don’t have to share them with anyone else.
11. Everyone has days where they wish they were someone else, and on those days, its perfectly acceptable to be Mario, Luigi, Bowser, or -in my case- Princess Peach.
12. Think outside the box- if your big brother won’t leave you alone, lick him.  He’s sure to stay away, then.
13. Nothing starts a conversation quite like a good poop joke.
14. When in doubt, throw it in the laundry- after all, YOU know the type of days you’ve been having.  That’s probably the safer choice, anyways.

15.  Sometimes nothing can make it all better except being held by someone you love.