Tag Archives: silly

Dear Fat

Dear Fat,

I’m sure, by now, you understand that I meant it when I said we were done.  I know you’re probably feeling a little out of sorts because we’ve been so close for so long.  I can truly say that I’ve never known anyone to stick as close to me as you’ve been, but while I’ve seen our friendship grow, I’ve also noticed other things.

Remember that time in Junior High- with the ice cream cup?  That was when we first became really well acquainted.  You were so sweet.  Form then on, what started off as a simple sundae turned into daily lunches.

And High School!  Oh how our friendship grew.  I started wondering if you were really bad for me then because my pants size grew, too, but every time I was ready and determined to call it quits, you reminded me of why I fell for you.  You’ve always had that kind of hold on me.  Even when- and I know you’ll be jealous hearing this, but I’ve got to say it- I cheated on you with Volleyball, Track, and a pretty healthy lifestyle, I still couldn’t let you go completely.  I think you knew deep down, though, because you seemed to hold on tighter to me, too.

We could’ve been happy together, you and me.

And then you had to go and ruin it by bringing ’round your friends and family.

The first sign our friendship was nearing its end was when I got pregnant with Camo.  I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea to introduce your pregnant, hormonal companion to all the other lipids in your life, but that was the first moment I caught a glimpse of the real you.  Pants that used to fit nicely over my hips now struggled to make it past my knees; my cheeks took on a chipmunk-ish appearance; and my once smooth thighs now showed dimples.

What had I don’t that you felt the need to abuse me so?

I vowed then and there that I would distance myself from you, and -while I didn’t shut you out completely- I was content in the fact that our friendship didn’t blossom further.

It didn’t, that is, until I met your cousins lard and pork fat.  Sneaky move, bringing them in to meet me.  They seduced me with Mexican food and teased me with Paula Dean cookbooks.

Suddenly, our friendship was closer than ever.

I know, from our history, that our relationship has been on again/off again, so maybe you think this is just a phase- lots of people go through fads; maybe you think I’ll become an Atkins fanatic.

Let me assure you, this will not happen.  It CAN NOT.

Please don’t be sad.  Its not you- its me.  You’ve stuck by me through thick and thicker; I’m just feeling the need to see who I am without you.

So, this is goodbye.  Please don’t try to look for me- its no use trying to get me back.  Honestly, chances are, you might not recognize me in a couple of months anyways.

I want you to know, I still love you deeply.  You’ll probably always have a place in my heart.  I want the best for you, though, so if you find yourself feeling lonely, please don’t hesitate to make new friendships.  You won’t hurt my feelings.

In fact, I was JUST watching TV the other day and I noticed how many actresses could really use a friend like you.  TELL me that having a Hollywood bud wouldn’t just make your year.

So, that’s it.  I’ll miss you.  Have a great life- I’ll see you in the tabloids!

(Sorry- if you don’t get this pic, you need to watch Dr. Who more.)

~Amber

 

Advertisements

My Indian name: Dances with Snails

Its never a simple task- walking Bug to and from school- but in the mornings its the most difficult.

Why?

Snails.

How can such a tiny, slimy creature create an issue?  Because of a little game I’ve dubbed “Dodge Snail”.  It goes something like this:

“Mom!  Look out!  You almost squished a snail!”

“Bug, we’ve got to get you to school, there are a MILLION snails out right now, and your brother’s in a stroller.  How am I supposed to keep from running them over?  Tell me.”

“Carefully.”

How do you argue with that kind of logic?

It has hit me multiple times what we must look like in the morning- nothing can be seen by passing motorists to be blocking us, and yet, we dodge and weave like ninjas in a sword fight.

DO ninjas sword fight?

I dunno.

If they did or do, THAT’S what we look like.

I’m sure we probably look like we’re on drugs -jerking from side to side with no apparent rhyme or reason- but WE know the truth: we’re saving some poor snail family the pain of losing a loved one.

Its amazing the impact your kids can have on you.  While I’ve never REALLY been the type to squish bugs and things, I also never went out of my way to avoid hurting them, either.

I didn’t, that is, til MY little Bug pointed to 3 snails of different sizes while we were walking the other day and said,”Look mom!  3 snail brothers- just like me, Bubba, and Nicholas.”  He then went on to tell me how they were probably on THEIR way to school just like he was.

Great.  So, now I had to worry that I might step on the snail version of my boys.  This just keeps getting better.  NOW, if I accidentally step on a snail, I didn’t take out just ANY snail, but possibly the snail version of one of my boys.

So, what happened next?

Well, of course, 3 snails SLOWLY block my path as we’re strolling along.

My choice?  Which child do I kill?

So, I made the only choice I could.

I waited.

What?!  The last thing I wanted was Bug telling Camo later,”Mom killed the snail you instead of the snail ME!  Ha ha ha!  She loves me more!”  Can you IMAGINE the ridiculous fighting??

I would like to say that I was less obsessive about avoiding snails once I dropped Bug off, but -funny thing- I can’t help but avoid them now.  Its gotten to the point where -today- I saw 2 kids INTENTIONALLY crushing snails (the mom was even pointing them out to them!) and I found myself humming:

Oh, be kind to your small, slimy friend

For the next might be some snail’s Mooooother…

I guess it could’ve been worse.  I could’ve freaked them out by yelling,”Be careful!  You could step on me!!”

Happy Warden’s Day

Oops- I mean Happy MOTHER’S Day.  Oh well.  In this house its PRACTICALLY the same thing lately.

I guess its not QUITE Mother’s day yet- that’s just me.  I like to jump the gun.

Ok, not really.  Its just that I saw this list (I’m about to pick apart) on another site and I couldn’t help writing a response.  It didn’t ASK for a response, but that’s ALSO just me- I comment when its not needed.  Its very possible I need a life, but oh well.  This is a valid post.

I saw a list on Kirkwood Patch and in it, the author – Denise Bertacchi– wrote that -while homemade gifts are great when you’re a 2 year old (my wording), when you get older (like me) its better to think outside your average box ‘o’ chocolates- or bag, if you’re a “cheapskate”.  You’re more than welcome to head to that site to see her reasoning for each of the items on the list- some are really good reasons- seriously- I nodded my head in agreement for a few.  Then there were some that, well, I’m going to have to write my own list here in a few for what I would really like for Mother’s Day- probably tomorrow’s post.  Or maybe I’ll ACTUALLY post that one ON Mother’s Day.  I think some of my “wants” are probably a “no- no” according to her, but that’s ok.  And, sorry for making you head to that site to see her list- I would repost her entire list, but then you’d NEVER get through this entry.

So, hang with me while I pick it apart- not because she’s wrong (some I agree with)- but purely for entertainment value.  Come on- you like to be entertained and you know it.

Grocery store flowers.”  Every day I’m BOMBARDED by dandelions picked while walking from the car to the front door.  Not just by the Natural Disasters- by my dear, sweet hubby, as well.  While I treasure EVER single one (because it shows that they saw them and thought of me), flowers from ANY other source are welcome.  Would I prefer 1-800-Florist to deliver a bouquet of gorgeous non-dandelions to my front door?  Yes!  Would I enjoy the Top Ramen we’d probably have to eat all the next month to pay for that bouquet?  Prolly not.  Fun Fact:  Dandelions picked from a walk way last longer in a small vase of water than a bouquet ordered from EVERY site out there for buying flowers.  Flowers purchased at the nearest Shop and Go?  STILL last longer.  Its like they’re WILLING themselves to live so they can outlast their expensive counterparts.

Bag of chocolate.”  Would I love a giant box of chocolates?  Um, yes.  Would I love a giant box of EXPENSIVE chocolates?  OF COURSE!  Would I love to know that my husband had to pre-sell a kidney to buy said chocolates?  Or that my -one day- grown children had to sell platelets to get me some Godiva?  Pass me the Dove.  And, really now- are you going to be disappointed if your kids were tight on money but they went out of their way to get you SOMETHING?  Be careful how you answer- you might screw yourself out of that bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs come Easter time.

Cheap wine.”  I LOVE wine.  I cook with it; I drink it; I drink it WHILE I cook with it.  I’ve had *ahem* wine connoisseur friends bring me fancy schmancy expensive wine, but you know what?  Sometimes its the CHEAP wine that tastes best.  Maybe its because you know you didn’t have to take out a mortgage on your house to buy a bottle, but I think that its because -sometimes- cheap isn’t ALL that bad.  My parents tout that their ‘2 buck chuck’ purchased at the $.99 store (just wait- that’s last on this list) is the best they’ve had.  Don’t underestimate bargain wines.  Sure, you could do something AMAZING like what she said (a trip through wine country for dear old mom), but the money spent to fund that trip could just as easily fund mom’s wine cabinet.  One lasts the weekend, the other, well, it depends on the cabinet.

Discount jewelry.”  Ok, I agree with this one.  PLEASE no macaroni necklaces, future grown children.  Not unless those pasta pieces are covered in 24K love.

Gift cards.”  Is this woman CRAZY???  Gift cards are AWESOME!  They’re like “Build Your Own Gift Adventures!  Feeling sexy AND hungry?  Go to Target and get some cute undies and beef jerky… albeit, not the most cohesive combo, it could be TONS of fun to watch the face of the cashier at the check out.  The fact is, we spend most of our money on our kids- who in their RIGHT mind is going to turn up their noses at a chance to go a little crazy shopping for themselves?

Small appliances.”  Ok, maybe its just me since I’m a cooking fanatic, but I LIKE getting small appliances.  As I’ve said before- nothing says “I love you” QUITE like Black and Decker.  Ok, don’t say it.  I know- I’ve got issues.

Exercise equipment.”  Ok.  I get this one.  Unless your mom sleeps, eats, and breathes working out, don’t give her a tangible gift that says,”You’re looking a little pudgy.”  She will take it the wrong way, and the only exercise that will occur will be you.  Running for the door.

DIY facials.”  Ok.  I see her point.  Its a sweet gesture, but it MIGHT be nicer to spring for something more elaborate- like an ACTUAL facial.

Coupons for chores.”  Denise said why offer coupons when you could just offer up your services THAT day.  Good point, HOWEVER, that’s making the assumption that mom will be home on Mother’s Day.  I say, offer up your services, but giving her a card with coupons in it showing dates you WILL be coming by -instead of waiting for her to redeem them (which we all know won’t happen because it brings to mind days past when you were a little kid and she had to ask you to clean your room).  Post the dates so you both have something to look forward to.  Maybe even go a little further by bringing her a little something every time you head over.  In the end, I hate cleaning.  If you give me coupons with the promise of a cleaner future, I’m game.

A day out with the family.”  Would I like to get out without the family?  Of course.  Is that possible?  Usually- no.  If I was to wait to get out without the family, I’d never get out.  So, fine- let’s DO a family day… I’ll be sure to bring the duct tape in case things get crazy.

Anything from the Dollar Store.”  Has she ever BEEN to the $.99 Store???  That place ROCKS!  You can get Lunchables, 2 for a buck!  Now, I get it- mom doesn’t want 2 Lunchables, but don’t knock that place til you’ve scanned the aisles.  As I pointed out before, they have some good 2 Buck Chuck, apparently, and -if all else fails- you can find a card that’s JUST as sappy as any Hallmark store- without spending $5.

Be on the lookout for MY “Gimme” list.  I’ll post it Mother’s Day- or maybe before, for those of you too lazy to think of what to get mom and need ideas.

Check the box “Agree to Terms”

I’m pretty sure someone tampered with my paperwork at the hospital.

Now, given, I’m not normally one to read over EVERY SINGLE WORD on a contract…

I know, I’m irresponsible.  That’s probably how I got into this whole mess in the first place.  I should have read the fine print.

But, really now- who reads EVERY word?  You skim the highlights, looking for blaring red warning lights, and then scribble your signature.  Its the way its been done for thousands of years.

Those hospital folk- they knew what they were doing.  They’re crafty.  After 100 hours of labor, no drugs, a failed epidural, and 2 nights of dealing with a newborn who had already decided that sleeping with mom was decisively better than sleeping in a bassinet, they handed me my discharge papers:

Them: “And here’s your info on how NOT to kill your infant, who to call when you’ve reached that point, signs to look for, blah, blah, blah- sign here to show you’ve received these and had it explained to you.

Okie doke.

Them: “Here’s info on breastfeeding because you’re less of a woman if you can’t properly breastfeed your baby for the full first year.  Sign here showing you received these.”

(me scribbling)

Them: “The lactation nurse will be in before you leave to fondle you roughly and warn you of the mental retardation that can occur if your baby isn’t able to feed properly.  Husband, you might want to be nearby to hold your wife after she’s been violated.  Did you sign?”

(Nodding my head)

Them: “The lactation nurse should have more papers for you regarding proper nutrition, but here’s a pamphlet on all the foods you SHOULD eat to help you produce milk and keep up your strength, but they’re really just for looks because you won’t be able to take a bite of food or sleep for about the first 3-9 months.  Sign here, please.”

(uh huh)

Them: “Ok, good.  And the rest of these are just…*mumble, mumble, mumble*…  Sign right there, and check the box ‘agree to terms’…”

I check box.

Them: “Good.  I’ll just tuck these away in your bag before you see what you’ve signed on for.  Good luck- I mean, congratulations!”

I didn’t realize that -not only had I re-upped for 18 years of service- but I had also unwittingly initialed boxes and signed my signature agreeing to the following:

Hospital Discharge

__I understand that my life, loves, wants, needs, desires, and basic necessities now mean nothing.

__I understand that sleep is no longer an option.  Ever.

__I understand that even with only 1 hour of good sleep the night before, I must attend to all my normal activities.

__I understand that the “one hour of good sleep” is relative and will probably still include a sleeping infant in my arms, sometimes while sitting up straight in a chair.

__I understand that “me” time is now “we” time and anything I actually try to do for me can only occur during naptimes… if there are any.

__I understand that when I complain about lack of “me” time to grand-motherly types, I will be hit with comments of “Enjoy it while it lasts”, regardless of whether or not they see the frantic, wild look in my eyes.

__I understand I’m supposed to think the things my baby does that annoy me to no end, are cute.

__I understand that I’m supposed to stare at my napping baby with awe and wonder at the life my spouse and I created… instead of clicking my heels together in joy of not having to hold him.

__I understand I will have to hold my baby non-stop, thereby perfecting everything one handed.

__I understand that the words “baby proof” are dependent upon the baby itself.

__I understand that after I bring home my little darling, I will encounter more people than ever that had “perfect” babies- ones that slept through the night, never cried, etc.__I understand that these individuals are still suffering from “mom-nesia”, and have possibly blocked out all the bad.__I understand that the best course of action is to just nod my head.

__I understand that -under no circumstance- am I allowed to return the baby.

I, ____________, do hereby declare that I am now a mom, with all the non-rights and responsibilities that title holds.  By initialing and signing my name, I agree that I will do my best to be Mary-Freaking-Poppins/Donna Reed/ June Cleaver, always calm and collect, even in the face of crying jags, temper tantrums, diaper explosions, teething, etc.

To be anything less than perfect will be cause for me to stand before the Mommy Council and I might have to give back my pearls, but never my children.

[  ] I agree to terms.

X_______________

My baby’s better than YOUR baby….

Where 2 or more babies are gathered, there, comparisons will be in the midst of them.”

Its not a Bible quote, but maybe it should be.

I have 3 kids- I’m a pro, if you will- and even I have found myself doing the comparison dance from time to time.  Its interesting to note, by the way, that boxing has also been compared to a dance.

Coincidence?  I think not.

You can find this dance occurring anywhere moms are found- parks, grocery stores, even the library:

The dance begins:

“Your baby is SO cute- how old is he?”
“5 months.”
“Mine too!”
“Aw, she’s gorgeous.”
“Thanks.  What a cutie- he’s so big!  Is he crawling yet?”
“No- yours?”
“Just yesterday.  Its like she’s been saving her energy, though, because she crawled across the entire kitchen floor first time out!”
“That’s incredible!  You’re going to have your hands full with her.”
“I know!”
“I’m a little thankful that mine is still a sweet lump- we haven’t had to really baby proof.  Now if only he’d stay a sweet SILENT lump- he just said ‘Mama’ yesterday.  He’ll be talking up a storm in no time.”
“They grow up so fast, don’t they?  Mine was reaching out toward the ‘Modern Science’ magazine in the bookstore earlier.  My husband and I are already deciding which Ivy League to send her to.  I guess we’ll just wait a month til she can tell us her choice.”
“That’s really impressive.  You must be proud.  I don’t think there’s an Ivy League in our little guy’s future, though,”
…Wait for it…
“all he wants to do is read cookbooks, so we’re looking into early enrollment for the Culinary Institute of America instead of kindergarten.  A parent should always encourage their child’s strengths and he makes the BEST bolognese- just think what training could do!”
Every time a mom asks another mom her baby’s age, the first step in the dance is taken.  Even if each others babies are no where near in age, its a crucial step in determining how their own baby is doing; however, no mom wants anyone to look at their baby as the weakest link, so they throw out their own baby’s recent milestone… and if necessary, they embellish:
“Little Johnny just took his first steps!  How ’bout yours?”
“Oh, mine is content to keep his seat on Terra Firma… chewing on books… well, reading books… A book, actually- he’s reading ‘Hamlet’.”
Its not our fault.  Like the bell that starts the boxing match or that first note of a tango, asking a baby’s age will always be perceived as:
“Betcha my baby is better than yours.”
“Nuh uh.”
“Uh huh.”
Soooo…. how old is YOUR baby?

Public Service Announcement

Do YOU or someone YOU know suffer from an MTD?

MTDs- or Mentally Transmitted Diseases- are a growing concern in our society. To date, 1 out of every 2 people suffers from this condition, and with the advancement of technology and breweries -combined with the declined use of birth control- that number is on the rise. Studies have shown that by the start of 2012, more than 75% of the U.S. will come down with some degree of an MTD (w/ nearly ALL of California being affected).

Mentally Transmitted Diseases -also referred to as ‘Chronic Stupidity’ in most medical journals- is a tricky condition with a quick progression and no known cure. After contracting it, most patients won’t notice a difference, but their condition will most definitely be visible to the rest of the unaffected population- often through words and actions, but sometimes through just a few wordless expressions.

The horror of this disease is that, if you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you could accidentally and unnecessarily expose yourself. More often than not, it can take repeated exposure to contract an MTD, but for some -the really young, really old, or those with a hereditary connection- it can sometimes take just once.

So, how can you protect yourself and those you love? Nothing is guaranteed, but with a few simple precautions you can decrease the chances of contracting what can be a lifelong, debilitating disease.

~Remember ‘the 3Rs’

  • If you have found yourself in a situation where you’ve noticed that the person you’re speaking with is particularly stupid, REDUCE your exposure, if at all possible. Obviously, if this person is your boss, this will be next to impossible, but there are 2 other Rs to ensure your safety: REVIEW all information given to you and RECHECK all facts that pertain to you. (The chronically stupid often offer up needless information. For example, a coworker says to you,”I heard its going to rain today- it rained in Germany yesterday.” Chances are, they’re wrong on both accounts, but you only need to recheck the weather in your area, since even stupid people can be right 50% of the time. You can disregard the Germany reference OBVIOUSLY, unless you’re planning on traveling there anytime soon.)

~Wear Sunglasses

  • Ok, so maybe this form of protective eye gear won’t always work, but the theory is that if they can’t SEE your eyes, then there’s a chance they won’t be able to look directly into them. Direct eye contact seems to be a frequent source of transmission for MTDs. Why? Well, the most we can deduce is that since stupid people TRULY believe what they’re trying to convey to you, their words mixed with eye contact can cause you to question all you believe.

~Ignore them and/ or stare at them with a blank expression

  • MTD patients enjoy back and forth banter, so if you take this away, they will often leave you alone. Use this precaution with care, though, because stupid people often carry blank expressions and you take the possibility of passing for one.

~Distract them

  • Its a long shot, but if all else fails, you will need to distract the infirmed with something shiny and RUN.

So, what are some of the signs and symptoms, and what can you do if infected? We’ve already discussed a couple, but in the event that there is an infected person reading this, here’s a run down:

~a glazed over look when you ask a simple question (an exception should be noted not to necessarily worry in the early morning/ pre-coffee hours)

~an affinity for offering up pointless information during important times

~an inability to distinguish between the gas and the brake peddle (an exception should be noted for those with the occasional mental lapse during frustrating times- like driving with kids or stupid people)

~the confusion over what a turn signal is and how to use it

~noting a long line, and then deciding to either stand aside and make their own line and/ or waiting til their asked to get in line and cutting to the front

~the inability to ever admit wrong doing and/ or the inability to apologize when wrong

~the idea that all their thoughts and opinions will magically be known to you, although they have failed to open their mouths

~the idea that you CARE about all their thoughts and opinions

~the inability to distinguish between thoughts and opinions that matter

The list goes on and on, but I’m sure that you’ve gotten the point.

If you’ve found yourself in any of these descriptions and you’re wondering about what to do next, here’s the answer:

~Do something that requires you to use more brain-power than normal and DO NOT STOP until you feel your mental capacity increasing.  If you’ve gone for too long without help, it may take a while and you may not remember what it feels like to be using your brain, so try answering a few simple questions, such as:

  • Is it a good idea to text/drink and drive? (the answer should be ‘no’)
  • Are raising animals EXACTLY like raising kids? (you might want to answer ‘yes’ because of how they can act, but as long as you truly realize the answer is ‘no’, you’ll be fine.
  • Is it ok to leave your baby in the bath by itself while you play games on Facebook? (um, ‘no’)

The feeling that follows  will be like a light turning on or like you’ve just woken up- you might feel groggy and out of sorts.  Eat something, you’ll be fine- you’re on your way to recovery.

~If, however, that exercise doesn’t work, I’m sorry, but there’s no hope.  RUN, don’t walk, to the nearest clinic and get a prescription for birth control, or better yet, ask for sterilization.  You shouldn’t feel bad, though- you probably don’t understand anything I’ve just explained, so… Look!  Something shiny!

Remember- only YOU can prevent MTDs.