Tag Archives: sleep deprivation

Coffee does, too, count as a food group!

As I sit here in the wee afternoon hours, eyes drooping, body beginning to collapse from complete exhaustion, I’m staring at my coffee maker with longing. I’m typing with one hand while holding the tiny dictator with another, so I’m praying that by using “the Force”, I can start another pot. The phrase “If you don’t succeed, try, try again” comes to mind, but Jacob is staring at me, asking me why I’m making faces and squinting at the kitchen, so I should probably get up and practice my one handed coffee making skills and leave the Jedi tricks to Luke Skywalker.
My gramma would disapprove. She has told me more than once that I need to wean myself off of my black liquid of love and acceptance, but I’m not a quitter. I know that I love coffee more than a normal person should, and in all honesty, I’ve been drinking it so long that it doesn’t REALLY have an effect on me anymore- so why am I trying to get all “Jedi Master” on my Black and Decker? Because, if nothing else, my mind has started to associate coffee with mental clarity. Plus, it keeps my hands busy so that I don’t end up trying to strangle my adorable children when they start imitating the wild apes on the Animal Planet.
I used to refer to my love of coffee as an addiction and coffee as my drug of choice ; used to, that is, until the day that Cameron went to his first grade teacher and told her that his mommy was addicted to drugs. Mental note: kids listen to everything, they repeat everything, but they don’t stop for explanations. It took some doing, but I’m pretty sure that I was able to convince her that I didn’t need to go to rehab. I probably didn’t help the situation, though, when I jokingly went into a small rant about the health benefits of coffee and how, really, the USDA should include coffee as a main staple for nutritional completeness. APPARENTLY, pointing out how a single cup of coffee can be everything from a serving of protein to a serving of fruit (depending on what area you’re lacking in at the time), makes you look like a lunatic.
Whatever.
I’m going to go now and make a pot of probiotics.
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Mommy Guilt

In the last 10 years that I’ve been a mom, the biggest annoyance I’ve found isn’t with kids that argue- although that IS annoying; it isn’t with finding the curdled milk sippy cups stuffed under the couch that I had told my preschooler to put in the sink…a week ago- though, that IS disgusting; it isn’t even with the constant battle over messy rooms.
No. The biggest annoyance?
Mommy guilt.
Its like a fly that won’t leave you alone.
“You should take your kids to the park!”
Bzz.
“You should be spending more time with your kids!”
Bzzz.
“Your kids should have nicer clothes!”
Bzzzz.
“You should be breastfeeding!”
BZZZZ!!!
Now, usually these statements that go through my mind are followed by the tiniest, most pitiful of whimpers in defense of my actions, and they usually all stem from me trying to do something for myself or something out of my control:
But its raining.”
But you’re trying to eat, sleep, clean, etc.”
But you can’t afford it.”
But your boobs were getting ripped off by that little creature and you look SO much nicer with a set.”
The problem is that they’re merely whimpers and its difficult to hear whimpers over loud, blaring THX surround sound volume.
Its a bit pathetic, actually. Personally, deep down, I know I deserve a medal just for keeping them alive. I mean, if you knew me, you’d understand- I don’t have a green thumb. Mine is black. Plants only come to me if they’re looking for a way to die. I’ve tried growing plants from seeds- they die. I thought that my problem was that I didn’t know how to nurture them into mature, strong, independent plants, so I bought plants that were already mature, strong, and independent. All that did was prove that I know how to take away the will to live from plants of all ages. In fact, I’m pretty sure I saw one plant take its own life when it realized who was taking it home, because it was slumped over the stake in its pot (describing the type of plant it was) as if it was trying to drive it through its heart. That one was brown by the time we reached my house.
All that to say, I’m doing a pretty awesome job of just keeping 3 kids alive and thriving, so I shouldn’t feel bad when things don’t go EXACTLY according to my wacked out fairy tale idea of mommyhood, right?
So, I’ll TAKE that shower so I’m not stinky and dirty looking! I can wrestle 5 minutes to myself. I washed my hair last week anyways.
I’ll eat that sandwich- heck, I’ll eat it at the table sitting down! Ok, that’s pushing it. The counter maybe. I’ll eat it AT the counter. A half a sandwich. Ok, a piece of bread! I’ll eat that piece of bread without fear of neglecting my kids!
And I won’t worry about the breastfeeding, bottle feeding battle!  If I choose to breastfeed, well, God gave me 2 boobs for a reason, right?  Isn’t one of them supposed to be a spare?  And if I choose to bottle feed then I will accept the consequences of possible BPA poisoning and psychological damages that stem from not having a mommy who gave him her boobs to give him life.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I WILL win the Mommy of the Year award!
Um, can you send it to the tired, dirty looking, boobless, anorexic gal rocking back and forth in the corner? Yeah, that’s me.

The Greatest Diet Plan EVER!

Tired of all the weight you gained during pregnancy- either your own, or your wife’s? I’ve got a GREAT diet plan. I guarantee you that if you follow this -to the letter- that you’ll be back in your pre-pregnancy pants in no time. As a precaution, I must inform you that -before starting any diet plan- you should check with your doctor first.
First, make sure your baby has colic. If you’re baby doesn’t have colic, but is just difficult (i.e.-a normal baby), this will still work, but you might have to try a little harder. If you were one of the blessed individuals who had an easy baby, whisper a prayer of thanks and stop reading here. Chances are you were also one of the ones that wore your pre-pregnancy pants out of the hospital, and therefore you have no need to read any further.
Now that you have your colic-y/ difficult baby in hand, you are permitted a brief moment in which to cry hysterically and throw a brief tantrum. Its good for the soul, but its also good for getting your heart rate up. There now- you just lost a few warm up calories. I bet you’re feeling skinny already!
The next step in this incredible diet is to listen to your baby cry hysterically until you finally give in and walk him/her around the block a couple of times. Since most colic-y babies have their witching hour around the same time every day for longer than a half an hour, this will ensure that you not only get the doctor recommended half hour of exercise, but you’ll probably rack up some bonus hours as well. “But his crying will cause the neighbors to think that I’m torturing him!”, you might say. All the better, I say! You’ll be forced to walk faster (since the cracks in the sidewalk will help to tame his demons), thereby increasing your heart rate and metabolism. Presto! Quicker fat loss!
After you’ve walked around the block until the soles of your shoes have worn off, you’ll probably be hungry, which brings me to my next secret of dieting success- little food. I don’t mean eating small objects. I mean, eating small amounts. Let’s face it, if you’re experiencing the horror that is a colic-y baby, you epitomize the definition of “fast food”. Anything that can be held in one hand and eaten quickly is your meal of choice: sandwiches, corn/hot dogs, small hamburgers, Snickers candy bars, etc. “But none of that is very healthy!”, you might complain. Well, #1, neither is skipping meals altogether, but also, you’re only eating what can fit into one hand, and isn’t portion control what doctors everywhere stress when speaking to their patients? And, let’s not forget- you’re burning off all those unwanted calories (see last step described).
If you’re either unable to walk around the block for some reason; it has no positive affect on your baby’s cries; or you’re just looking to increase your workout benefits, you also have the alternative option of what I like to call “Rocking Sit ups”. In this twist on an oldie but goodie, you sit on the edge of the bed and rock your body back and forth while holding your baby. If you’d like, you can combine a couple of the steps- maybe try this while crying? Screaming burns calories, as well, but I wouldn’t recommend adding that to the routine unless your baby is out of ear shot, as it has a tendency to cause your tiny dictator to increase his own volume. This exercise also has a fun twist as you can change it up once your kiddo is older: when you’re past the point of frustration and starting to lose it, find the nearest corner and rock back and forth.
If, however, you’ve reached a point where you’re just too tired to walk or rock, here are two routines you can try that are more of a band-aid than a solution, but they still work. Sometimes you just need a quick fix to boost your self esteem, anyway:
Once your baby has you in tears from exhaustion and frustration, take a quick peek in the bathroom mirror- the tears will instantly distort your vision and take away your ability to see your body fully. Voila! Instant fat loss! Sure, at the back of your mind you know its still there, but before you allow that to drive you into deeper depression, remember that your red face with puffy eyes and snot running out of your nose is now bound to draw a LOT more attention than those few pounds you gained during your pregnancy.
Yeah, your right- that doesn’t help nearly as much as the other routines I just posted. Well, as I said, these non-exercise routines are merely band-aids- not solutions.
Now, the next routine only usually works for first time moms (since most well-seasoned moms said good bye to sleep LONG ago), but if you’ve got 2 or more kids already, you MIGHT be able to do this step, due to the pure exhaustion of the multitude of tasks on your already full plate. I’m talking about INSOMNIA. During this step, the lack of sleep causes you to LITERALLY forget who you are, what you originally wanted for yourself in the first place, as well as, the inability to care about what you look like. A word of caution in performing this routine, though: performed incorrectly, there’s a chance you could alienate everyone around you, defeating the purpose of losing weight.
Sure, you could argue that you’re trying to lose weight for HEALTH reasons, but who are you fooling?
I must also point out that BORROWING someone’s colic-y baby to lose non-pregnancy related weight gain is not only allowed, but its encouraged!  I’m sure the parents of that baby would embrace the idea of handing over their crying baby to you to further your weight loss goals, if you so chose.  You might want to do one of 2 things if you take this route, though:  either, 1- write up a contract stating that you’ll take the baby for its first 6 months of life (since continuous work on the program is the fastest way to your goal weight), or 2- find out the times that the baby is most colic-y, and write up a contract stating you’ll take him/her during those times.  This will help you tremendously, as the parents of colic-y babies quickly fall unknowingly into this weight loss routine and you don’t want to lose out.
As I said at the beginning, I urge you to check with your health care professional to be sure that this diet is the right one for you before trying it, but I’m sure that there are many of these routines you are already performing- its just a matter of combining some of them and working on them daily. After all, dedication to the diet plan is the surest way to ensure optimum results.
Let me know if any of these techniques work for you! I always love to hear feedback!